Devon and I took some childbirthing classes at the hospital last week, and nothing has ever shone so brightly as the fact that I just don’t know jack shit.
Here are the notes I took so I wouldn’t forget the important stuff:
- Vacuum/dust at least once a week.
- Last two hours of labor, Mom will punch me.
- Massage: long strokes.
– Keep Mom off her back.
– Bring a massage tool…wrists will get tired.
– Lotions? Scented, perhaps?
- Don’t eat right beforehand.
- No coffee breath in Mom’s face.
- Chapstick. Yes.
- Mom shifts around between contractions = baby is moving around.
– Periodic movement is okay…
- Chanting helps relax Mom.
– Yo-oh, yo-oh.
– Oh-WEE-oh, yo-ho.
- Figure out a communication plan.
- Pilates ball!
– Pelvic tilts.
– Use as ottoman?
– Deep, abdominal breathing.
– Roll the baby! (Tummy time!)
- Hospital gowns are your friend.
- Baby sticks around unless called away on business.
- Slow, deep breathing.
– Cleansing breath after contraction.
- Breathing: Hee-hah-hee-hah-who?
- Avoid the Achilles’ Tendon!
- Listen to music you know during labor.
– Mom loves 80’s hair bands.
- Warm water is great.
- Good bag list: page 21.
- Target has perfectly good bras.
- Discomfort is not desirable. Rest is.
- Get new shoes.
- Foot twirls are a good idea.
- Stand up straight. Toes forward. Shoulders back.
- Potatoes help.
- Nightmares are meaningless.
- 14-20 hours is average.
- Water brings truth.
– False labor disappears.
– True labor strengthens.
- Note to self: find a copy of the Roadmap of Labor.
- Check your posture!
- Bring munchies.
– Italian ice?
- Mom throws up on Dad. It’s only fair.
- Everybody! Chin to chest!
- Telephone-cord hair ties!
- Cord: nice, firm cut. Get it right the first time.
- Babies party at night.
- Drugs: page 56.
– Think about dosage (and partial dosage).
- Have a plan, but be flexible.
- Sterile water? Brilliant!
- Watch out for the spins…
- After birth, avoid puppies and kittens.
Upon review of these notes, it occurs to me that they don’t actually make any sense, and I have forgotten everything.
We are doomed.