Notes From Childbirth Class

Oh, shit!

Devon and I took some childbirthing classes at the hospital last week, and nothing has ever shone so brightly as the fact that I just don’t know jack shit.

Here are the notes I took so I wouldn’t forget the important stuff:

  • Vacuum/dust at least once a week.
  • Last two hours of labor, Mom will punch me.
  • Massage: long strokes.
    – Relaaaaaaax…
    – Keep Mom off her back.
    – Bring a massage tool…wrists will get tired.
    – Lotions? Scented, perhaps?
  • Don’t eat right beforehand.
    – Barf.
  • No coffee breath in Mom’s face.
  • Chapstick. Yes.
  • Mom shifts around between contractions = baby is moving around.
    – Periodic movement is okay…
  • Chanting helps relax Mom.
    – Yo-oh, yo-oh.
    – Oh-WEE-oh, yo-ho.
  • Figure out a communication plan.
  • Pilates ball!
    – Pelvic tilts.
    – Use as ottoman?
    – Figure-8’s.
    – Deep, abdominal breathing.
    – Roll the baby! (Tummy time!)
  • Hospital gowns are your friend.
  • Baby sticks around unless called away on business.
  • Slow, deep breathing.
    – Cleansing breath after contraction.
  • Monkey?
    – Focus.
  • Breathing: Hee-hah-hee-hah-who?
  • Avoid the Achilles’ Tendon!
  • Listen to music you know during labor.
    – Mom loves 80’s hair bands.
  • Warm water is great.
  • Good bag list: page 21.
  • Target has perfectly good bras.
  • Discomfort is not desirable. Rest is.
  • Get new shoes.
  • Foot twirls are a good idea.
  • Stand up straight. Toes forward. Shoulders back.
  • Potatoes help.
  • Nightmares are meaningless.
  • 14-20 hours is average.
  • Water brings truth.
    – False labor disappears.
    – True labor strengthens.
  • Note to self: find a copy of the Roadmap of Labor.
  • Check your posture!
  • Bring munchies.
    – Italian ice?
    – Snapple?
  • Mom throws up on Dad. It’s only fair.
  • Everybody! Chin to chest!
  • Telephone-cord hair ties!
  • Cord: nice, firm cut. Get it right the first time.
  • Babies party at night.
  • Drugs: page 56.
    – Think about dosage (and partial dosage).
  • Have a plan, but be flexible.
  • Sterile water? Brilliant!
  • Watch out for the spins…
  • After birth, avoid puppies and kittens.

Upon review of these notes, it occurs to me that they don’t actually make any sense, and I have forgotten everything.

We are doomed.

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