Every now and then, I’m sure the Oscars voters look back and realize they screwed up. This is evidenced by the occasional apology win for someone – for example, an actor who gave a decent performance is nominated and wins, but we all know that actor only wins this year because of a brilliant performance in a previous year that was overshadowed. It’s a spiral of shame for the Academy, a self-perpetuating cycle that only grows with each apology.
It’s time to put a stop to it. This is the perfect year for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences to catch up on all their apology wins. I say let’s just get all caught up and start again next year with a perfectly blank slate, and the artists and engineers who make the best films this year will compete for next year’s Oscars, and all these too-little-too-late retroactive nominations will go away.
Here are some selections that probably won’t win this year, but let’s say they should win so we can clear the tables:
- BEST ACTOR: Gary Oldman as an apology from Hollywood to Gary Oldman for not recognizing his brilliant performance in “The Fifth Element.”
- BEST ACTRESS: Rooney Mara as an apology from the United States to Noomi Rapace for not recognizing her brilliant performance in the original Swedish “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.”
- BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Max Von Sydow as an apology from Hollywood for not recognizing his brilliant performance as Brewmeister Smith in “Strange Brew.”
- BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Melissa McCarthy as an apology from Hollywood to funny ladies everywhere.
- BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: Anyone but the guy who shot “War Horse” as an apology from Hollywood to the rest of us because they keep making horses look cooler than they really are.
- BEST ART DIRECTION: “The Artist” as an apology from Hollywood for continually belittling the importance of art direction.
- BEST COSTUME DESIGN: “The Artist” as an apology from the fashion industry for edging out the pencil-thin mustache.
- BEST MAKEUP: “The Iron Lady” as an apology from Hollywood for deceivingly downplaying the paleness of British people.
- BEST ANIMATED FEATURE: “Rango” as an apology from Hollywood to Gore Verbinsky for not giving him the win for “Pirates of the Caribbean.”
- BEST ANIMATED SHORT: “The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore” as an apology from Hollywood for systematically punishing films with long titles.
- BEST FULL-LENGTH DOCUMENTARY: “Pina” as an apology from Hollywood to choreographers everywhere for not having a “Best Choreography” category at the Oscars.
- BEST SHORT DOCUMENTARY: “The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom” as an apology from the USA for not having a full-length documentary about the tsunami in Japan.
- BEST LIVE-ACTION SHORT: “Time Freak” as an apology from Hollywood to the entire science fiction genre.
- BEST FOREIGN FILM: “Monsieur Lazhar” as an apology from the United States to Canada for our stubborn refusal to learn to speak French.
- BEST MUSIC: John Williams as an apology from Hollywood to John Williams for nominating anyone other than John Williams for Best Music.
- BEST ORIGINAL SONG: Bret McKenzie for “Man or Muppet” as an apology from Hollywood to Flight Of The Concords fans everywhere for the delay in recognizing the musical talent.
- BEST SOUND EDITING: “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” as an apology from Hollywood for not letting us forget Michael Bay exists.
- BEST SOUND MIXING: “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” as an apology from Hollywood to the team that had to endure the psychological torment of mixing sound for “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.”
- BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: “Real Steel” as an apology from Hollywood for making us wish so badly we had giant boxing robots in real life that it crushes our spirits when we remember that we don’t.
- BEST EDITING: “The Artist” as an apology from Hollywood for not giving this year’s Best Editing award to “The Descendants.”
- BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Steven Zallian and Aaron Sorkin (“Moneyball”) as an apology from Hollywood to Billy Beane for not falsely rewriting history to include a World Series win.
- BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig (“Bridesmaides”) as an apology from Hollywood for never rewarding screwball comedies at the Oscars.
- BEST DIRECTOR: Alexander Payne (“The Descendants”) as an apology to from Hollywood to Alexander Payne, Wes Anderson, PT Anderson, and all the other filmmakers who make wonderfully weird films where most viewers can’t tell if it’s a comedy or a drama.
- BEST PICTURE: “Midnight In Paris” as an apology from Hollywood to the generations of Americans who’ve never read Hemingway because of fucking movies.
That should do. Scrap this year and do it right next year. Move on.
Questions? Objections? Snide remarks? Leave ’em in the comments section below!